Just Memory
by tarte
Summary: CoLS - Everyone has to give up one happy memory. Tricky, when the past is already threatening to tear them apart. How do you choose what moments to remember - how does your decision then impact your future? Some people may need to realize that the past is a part of them - like it or not. Malec. Disclaimer: They're not mine.


**Just Memory**

* * *

Summary (Well, another one): CoLS: Everyone must give up one happy memory, not like that changes anything – or, maybe, it does. Maybe they chose the wrong memories. Maybe the past matters more than they first thought.

* * *

A/N: First real ff story, posted at least. Written in the early hours of the morning, so sometimes coherent and sometimes not. Horrible grammar and incomplete thoughts abound. For that, in the case anyone actually reads this, I apologize.

I couldn't find any stories that centered on the lost memories – and, reading that in the book, it kind of bothered me. I dislike the idea that these memories won't impact them at all, no matter what they are. So I took a lot of liberty with the 'terms' of their memory loss. It's all reflective, really. But I'd like to create a story that continues onto the memories.

Very junior writer here, and, honestly, I'm not very happy with how this turned out – but it's the idea I just wanted to get out there, & I'm trying to become a better writer. If reading, however unlikely, please review! So, with the conclusion of a very lengthy 1st a/n, here it is:

* * *

"What did you give up?"

They lay quietly, no other words being spoken between them – with a demon possibly simmering down the hall, and the others asleep in Magnus's apartment as well, they were all exhausted after the day. The two of them hadn't been speaking – only resting, together, as they hadn't been able to in such a long time. The silence had been comfortable, and welcome, with Magnus absentmindedly stroking Alec's hair, taking a break from all the worries that threatened to drown them recently. (Demon, Sebastian, Clary & Jace, the end of the world, in no particular order…) From the sound of Alec's voice, however, he pulled himself out of his haze and focused on the boy close against him.

"Hm?" He murmured in his ear, wrapping an arm around him while keeping one in his hair, pulling him even closer. Alec turned into him, and sighed softly. Magnus felt his chest rise and fall against him. Alec turned his head up towards him, the startling blue color Magnus adored fixing on him, and spoke again,

"The memory. That you gave up. What was it?"

It was strange, how it ended up working. Magnus thought back to earlier, when they had given them up; he had spoken that he had years of memories, and that was true, of course, but there were few he would ever really think about. In the end, he hadn't been able to give one up of Alec. Many, many of his happiest were from when his time with him, but every one was precious to him; from when the nephillim nearly drowned, to kissing him in the Accords Hall, fighting as a team, traveling together; even the fights and the unhappier times, none of them could be given up. None.

And, a little surprisingly, he hadn't been able to give one up of London. Yes, he could still remember their names; yet he could remember so much about them as well, even special memories, for he had come to care for them, and he couldn't bear to forget any of those either. Will, Jem, Tessa. No, they were people who he couldn't forget if he tried; but earlier today was proof that he wouldn't let himself to.

He had given the memory of something centuries ago; a party, maybe, back when there weren't as many of those, back when they were still something more exhilarating and new. Europe, some old friends he hadn't seen in ages; he could remember that much, and no more. This simple information was plain to him – he could remember what the memory was – just not the memory itself. As they had tried to explain what had happened to Jordan and Maia, he had found himself trying to recall it, straining against his mind to get a glimpse of it – something he hadn't done before, as he rarely, rarely thought of past memories – and he had been unable to remember, not sight or sound of it. Just one more trouble. It's not like he really ever would have called upon that memory, had he still had it; it just felt so strange, to know it had been taken from it, and the though briefly came to him that the past was more a part of him then he'd like it to be, but he pushed this thought away and closed his eyes.

"I can't remember now."

_What do we do?_

* * *

Alec watched him, in silence; Magnus was obviously thinking to himself, possibly about the memory of the previous day, or the lost memory of whatever moments he had given up. He kept his eyes on him, thinking himself; he had a feeling Magnus had many more happy memories than he did, and not just because he had so many more years of them; Simon and Izzy both probably had many more as well.

Although the warlock hadn't been in his life for very long at all, many of Alec's happy memories came from being with Magnus. Most of them, really. There weren't many people in Alec's life, fewer still who he was close to. So when it came to Magnus, someone Alec loved completely… Even though most of his happy memories were times he had spent with Magnus, Alec couldn't bring himself to give any of those up. His little joke earlier that day had been mainly because he was a little mad at himself – why couldn't he just give one of them up? For a moment, he had tried to convince himself, just give one up, they're only memories – but to him, they were always something more. They were too important to him. The past mattered a lot.

All of his memories were important to him, really; he couldn't find one he felt ok with parting from. Maybe it was because there were so few, but in any case, it was very hard to decide on one to part with. He had gone with one from when he was very little, for though those were rare as well, he had been a bit more oblivious than he was now; before Jace came to live with them, just him and Izzy, having fun, back when there was so less trouble in their lives. He couldn't give one up that had Max and their parents in it as well – those were scarce as well, and no more moments would be made with Max. Probably not with his parents either.

But he already missed the one with Izzy in it as well. His sister was too a very precious person to him, and the fact that on this one particular day he could no longer remember what her laughter sounded like or her smile looked like just then, in those forgotten moments. But something had to be given up. Doesn't it always?

Magnus didn't ask him what his memory was, and he didn't mention it.

_We hope._

* * *

(Post CoLS)

* * *

He lay in his room, eyes closed but unable to sleep; he hadn't been able to sleep for the last few days. He couldn't drift to sleep now, now that he no longer had Magnus next to him.

_Alec!_

They both had had nightmares before; they both had seen some pretty horrible things. However, when they woke up, they had always soothed each other, stayed awake with the other until sleep came over them again. Now Alec was alone.

_It's ok, love… It's just a dream…_

Alec's eyes flew open. Damn.

_If you could have me with you forever, wouldn't you want to?_

_Of course I would._

He remembered when they had given up their happy memories. He had been unable to give one up of Magnus, but now those same memories haunted him so much. Every one seemed to replay itself in his head; over, and over, and over again… There was nothing he could forget about Magnus, his laugh, his eyes, the love that shone in them… It's not that he wanted forget, but a selfish part of him did; to forget about him and erase all the pain that had been caused. Most of him, though, held on tightly to those memories, even though they hurt so much, because they were what he had left of the man he loved.

_As for you… Call me?_

* * *

_You love me?_

_I wanted to thank you for saving my life._

_You are not trivial._

_If you say so._

_I say so._

_Alec is my future._

_Take it. It's yours._

_Take my hands and take my strength_

_Did you just save my life?_

_I love you._

* * *

Magnus woke with a start, gasping a little. Alec, of course, was no longer with him. He fell back onto the pillows, trying to clear his mind.

This was why he hated the past. These memories didn't matter anymore… at least, they shouldn't. However, there was denying that Alec was still precious to him; he still loved him. Since there was no denying that, he tried to just not think about him. That failed miserably.

Alec just wasn't the past. Maybe it was still too soon; maybe he just loved him too much. But he was still a part of his life, even if he was no longer… technically a part of it.

_Just give me another chance._

Magnus sighed loudly, flipping over, eyes looking at nothing, only into the darkness. Even if Alec had been the one thinking about taking his immortality – and he did have to admit, he wouldn't have – it was him who had cut it off. It was his decision, and he would stick by it. Even though it hurt so damn much. Even though he loved him.

It would be a long night.

_It's not your fault. You can't help the way you were born._

_I'm over it._


End file.
